Last week I wrote about finding balance during the holiday season. Since then more opportunity for growth, balance and healing has presented itself. After I practiced all that I preached from last week I still found myself anxious. I had let go of items on my work list and interestingly enough it kept filling back up. It felt like time was speeding up and my list was growing longer. My shoulders were tense. My back was tight. I wanted to dig deeper to find what I was still holding onto and why I wasn’t willing to let go of a few items for a couple of weeks. Here’s what has come up so far. If I put a few work items on hold and allow more holiday items to come forward does that mean I’m not committed to my life purpose? I am fearful of what others will think if I slow down. I find myself fearful that my family will think rather than focusing on work and being productive, I’ve instead chosen to bake cookies or make candy. Surely in their minds I’m not really committed to writing my book. I’m afraid that if I slow the train I’ll have a hard time getting back on in January. I’m afraid all the work ideas that are floating around in my head will take a back seat and my motivation level will wane. I’m afraid that by having fun while writing Christmas letters and baking Christmas goodies I will be saying to the universe that I’m not interested in all that I’m manifesting in my work. These are my fears. Even as I write this I can feel the anxiety in my body. If I’m afraid of others judging me for what I’m not doing on some level I must be doing the same. I have worked hard to release judgement on my self which by default releases judgement towards others. I thought I had released judgement. Clearly there is a shadow piece that is ready to be seen. It’s showing up loud and proud for me to heal and this is a tricky one. All the possible scenario’s of what might happen if I let go are crazy. The “what if’s” that come up are so real for me. If I let go and allow the universe to take over what will happen? Reminder to self..give all fear to the universe to be transmuted into faith and see what happens.
Part of this conditioning comes from our society. I’ve been shown we are to burn the candle at both ends. If I am committed to my business then I should be working non-stop and putting the extra things like Christmas at the end of the list. I should be exhausted. All this goes through my head as I try to let go. When you own your own business you are the boss. You are the only one you answer to. So who am I afraid of? Me?
We lived in Australia for a year and I remember the majority of businesses closed down during the holiday season between Christmas and New Years. Most people left and went to the beaches. We lived Canberra, the capital city, so most of the government buildings were also on hiatus for those weeks. I remember thinking that this was such an amazing concept and why couldn’t we do this in the states? Why couldn’t we just relax and take the time off? So here I am presented with the opportunity to take two weeks off and live like the Aussie’s and I’m not taking my own desires seriously. Why?
I know holding onto the reins too tightly prevents the Universe from working its magic. If I’m controlling a situation there leaves no room for miracles; no room for growth. I’m back to letting go, again. There is still something nagging to be released and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I surrender some more. I implored the universe to show me what else was ready to be healed around this whole situation.
Ah! There they are; the old wounds and beliefs that I was holding onto. They showed themselves to me like someone slapping a pile of paperwork on a desk…work makes me feel purposeful, important; someone other than just a mom and wife. Work creates an illusion that I must be important. If I have to work than surely I must be important. When others see me working obviously they know how important I am. And by not being willing to release a few pieces of work for the holiday must also mean I’m REALLY important. Don’t we all desire to feel important? In our society when someone asks, “how are you?” or “what have you been up to?” the usual response is, “busy, busy, busy.” That illicit’s a thought within me they must be doing important stuff. Their lives must be important.
Growing up I had a strong sense that I was put here on the planet to connect with people in a big way. I’ve always known I had a message to bring to the masses; I just didn’t know what that was. I didn’t share this because it would have seemed silly to others. I was always envious of those who knew exactly what they were going to do with their lives. It seemed so clear and easy to them. I was also envious of those who didn’t seem to have any direction and didn’t really care. That seemed equally easy. In my mind if I pretended to be busy and have a purpose then I must be important like everyone else. This has been a very real illusion for me. I know I am no more or less important than anyone else. We are all important. We all greatly desire to be important. And it’s now clicked that although one is here to do work for the planet, it does not mean they are more or less important than the rest of humanity. I’ve often thought others were more important because they knew what their purpose in life was and were living it. Now I know how to separate the work that I do from the person that I am and how to separate the work you do from the person you are.
Unraveling this important piece has already lessened my anxiety around letting go and relaxing. I know I have a job to do. It’s to be a messenger of love and light. I’m here to share my life experiences with others so they may heal whatever piece of my story resonates with them. I am here to show a new way of living. This will never go away no matter if I take a break during the holidays or not. We are all important. No one is more or less important than another. We are all created equal. We are all here to serve ourselves and to serve others. We are all here to do the job we were born to do.