By now you know I’m writing my first book. And truthfully books two and three are already filtering their way into my consciousness. It’s thrilling, scary, overwhelming, daunting, exciting…I fully committed to this journey two weeks ago during a morning run. Check my previous blog post for the full details. I verbally committed to the universe to writing my book and beginning the next phase of my journey. That was the easy part. It has been the lessons that have shown up thus far that I didn’t expect. As I answered the call of spirit to begin my writing career my inbox also contained the invitation to take a writing course. I knew it was coming. For a week I had been anticipating the release of this particular course. Throughout the week of getting email teasers I had no idea of the cost of the course. They hadn’t given out that piece of information yet. However I knew what I wanted the price to be. I knew what I thought I could afford. As I’ve done so many times overs the last several years I started my manifestation process. I sat with the figure I thought I wanted. I know how to manifest. For me it works to see the price, see the email with the price of the course; imagining the numbers in my mind’s eye; I imagined how I felt when I read the email with the price. I saw myself paying for the course. And I end with, “this or something better.” Nine time out of ten this type of manifestation works for me, except when the universe has a higher purpose and another plan. This moment the universe had a bigger and better plan for me. The plan, according to the universe was to allow me to work through an old wound and release an old belief. This was a perfect learning piece for me to release a really old thought pattern that was no longer serving me.
After my daily morning ritual of prayer and meditation, I opened up the email at 6:30 with complete anticipation of seeing the price that I had set in my mind. Although to be fully honest, in the back of my mind there were already whisperings of another issue at work; a slight inkling as to something else brewing with this particular manifestation. As I opened the email for the writing course I scrolled all the way down to the bottom of the email to see a price that was most definitely NOT the price I had envisioned. This price was considerably more than what I thought I could afford. My eyes became really big, my stomach tightened, I could feel my breath becoming deeper. I had tingles in my body. I read the email again, scrolled up and down to make sure I had the correct price. I did. The price was really clear. It was staring at me, big as day.
What I had manifested, unbeknownst to my simple mind, was a yet another old pattern and belief that no longer served me. What I felt in that moment was crazy. As I sat with the price of the writing course I felt my internal little girl immediately come forward. I felt like I was 7 years old, wanting a very expensive item and had to ask my parents. I felt intimidated, anxious, nervous, almost sick to my stomach. I already knew what the answer was. We were on a tight budget growing up. There were 4 kids in private schools, my dad worked and my mom stayed home. We were on limited means. All the anxiety my little girl felt in that moment were the exact feelings that were running through my adult body. How was I going to present this to my husband? My adult self knew I didn’t have to ask his permission to take the course, but that was what was running through my mind and my body. Similar to my childhood experience we are also on a budget. My husband has taken time off work and we are very mindful of what we spend our money on. Our youngest is in private school. The similarities are real. All of this was swirling around me. My stomach was still tight. By now my body felt tight.
Fortunately, having just finished my morning meditation I was still able to access the zen space of peace. I took a deep breath, exhaled and thanked the Holy Spirit for jumping right into this situation and showing me what this was all about. I became still and sat and breathed. I listened to the stillness that came. Love flows through your body when you invite the Holy Spirit into your situation. The issue you perceive is instantly filled with love and light. There can be nothing else. The Holy Spirit isn’t fear or judgement. Spirit is infinite love that will always be present when you call. As I sat and listened to the silence the answers flowed in. It was time to let go of feeling like I had to ask someone else’s permission; for anything. It was time to let go of feeling small or childlike or unworthy. I let go of all the old beliefs that came flooding forward. I thanked the universe and Spirit for bringing to me what I was ready to let go of and heal. It was time to feel the power of knowing no matter the size big or small, expensive or not that I am 100% deserving of. And as quick as the healing came so did the answer on moving forward. I knew what I was going to do. Instead of asking my husband if he thought we could afford this I was going to him with a questions of how we financially make this happen together. I wasn’t expecting him to tell me no. This was no longer about me asking for permission, getting shot down, or feeling perhaps unworthy. It was about me recognizing how I used to show up in this way. It was about letting go of an old pattern and old belief system that was no longer serving me. It was about feeling my internal power of deservingness and realizing that I am worthy.
There is such a different energy within me when I feel like I have to ask for something. I have all kinds of defensiveness about me. I’m ready to tell you why I deserve it and ready to give you my argument on why I should have what I’m asking for. I’m primed for the argument. The energy comes from a negative space. When I know I am deserving and worthy, the energy within me is calm and strong. There is an internal strength of love of self that is void of the energy of defensiveness. It comes from the place of worthiness, pure eternal love. That is when I’m tapped into the Divine source energy of all-knowing. The place where we are all worthy of all we desire.